Indecisiveness if getting the better of me

So, I’ve been purging again. I managed to go two and a half weeks while letting my mouth heal. However, it doesn’t seem to be healing very quickly, and I couldn’t hold out anymore. Let me tell you, purging with 4 gaping holes in your mouth is pretty painful. Don’t do it. (I should make a list of all the hypocritical advice I give out.)

I was given $50. At first I was excited. Now, I just feel anxious. I’ve had it for a few days and still have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I want to spend it on registration for some 5k races. Other times, I want to use it to buy groceries, like a responsible, non-disordered adult should do. Still other times I want to buy ALL the binge food, or order something to binge on like Chinese or pizza. Lastly, I sometimes want to use it to buy things I need or want.

I’ve filled up my cart on Amazon about 6 times with different items, getting to the final check out screen, but unable to actually submit the order. I’ve thought a dozen times of asking for a ride to the grocery store. I’ve filled out the registration information for 3 or 4 different races I want to do in the next couple months.

I never commit to any of them.

I feel like I’m sitting on a treasure with no clue what I’m supposed to do with it.

I look at my scale and rush to buy diet pills and laxatives.

I try to study, feel overwhelmed, and almost pick up the phone to order food.

I look at other people eating normal meals and feel guilty that I currently have crackers, Boca patties, and yogurt in my house. Is this recovery? No, buy normal food.

I feel bored and think of various games or books I want to buy.

Why can’t I just pick something?

Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Maybe I should use the money to buy a gift for my friend who just had a baby. Maybe I should help out my sister, who’s moving several hours away from her home. Maybe I should do something sweet for my parents. Maybe I should buy something special for my kitty.

I look at my balance. I close the app on my phone. A few hours later, I check it again, no closer to a decision.

Why?

I’ve never had trouble spending money.

I love to shop. Plus, I can always think of something bulimia-related that I “need”. Why the difference this time?