Hoodie season

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It’s coming to the part of the year where I will be wearing a hoodie every waking moment. 

When I was thinking about this, one of my first thoughts was, “now I can cut on my arms again,” which I’m not sure where the thought came from. I haven’t cut in…I’m not even sure how long, and I don’t even feel tempted to very often. But apparently something in me wanted to cut, and to be able to conceal it. 

I don’t want hoodie season to be an encouragement for me to start cutting again. I thought maybe I should throw away my blades, but I have a mostly unused 50 pack of them in my desk drawer and it would feel so wasteful to toss them out. 

Why does it matter if I’m “wasting” items that are harmful to me physically and mentally? I’m not sure, but it feels too wrong to entertain the idea. 

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3 responses »

  1. I had the same thought when I looked at my favorite red hoodie in my closet. I remember wearing it last year to hide the fact that I was still losing weight. I remember being relieved that I could wear it all the time (even during sex) so that I could cover up cuts on my arm. I don’t want to be there again. But arms are so much more satisfying than other places :/

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