Daily Archives: September 1, 2014

Eating is selfish

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I went to the store this morning. I bought food.

A lot of food.

The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.

Or any food.

I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.

I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.

I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.

When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.

After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.

I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.

Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.

Because I am selfish.

Self-consciousness

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A friend texted me and asked if I wanted to come spend a day or so with her while she house sits later this week. 

I love this friend, but she is also bulimic, except she’s the bulimic I can’t seem to be. She’s tiny. She binges and purges all the time and looks anorexic. This is something I’ve never been able to accomplish. Even when I don’t eat and exercise all day I stay fat. 

The last few weeks since getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I haven’t been purging (until the last couple days) and I ran out of laxatives so I am full of feces. I’ve been sick and experiencing a really bad fibro flare up so I’ve hardly exercised. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I know I’ve gained a lot. 

I told my friend I was too gargantuan to visi. 

I wish my desire to be with friends weren’t outweighed by my fear of them seeing my expanding body. 

Hoodie season

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It’s coming to the part of the year where I will be wearing a hoodie every waking moment. 

When I was thinking about this, one of my first thoughts was, “now I can cut on my arms again,” which I’m not sure where the thought came from. I haven’t cut in…I’m not even sure how long, and I don’t even feel tempted to very often. But apparently something in me wanted to cut, and to be able to conceal it. 

I don’t want hoodie season to be an encouragement for me to start cutting again. I thought maybe I should throw away my blades, but I have a mostly unused 50 pack of them in my desk drawer and it would feel so wasteful to toss them out. 

Why does it matter if I’m “wasting” items that are harmful to me physically and mentally? I’m not sure, but it feels too wrong to entertain the idea. 

Tears and laughter

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I’m sitting here on my bed watching videos by two of my favorite youtubers (though I’m actually watching their Good Mythical Morning show) and I am crying while I push a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. My tears are interspersed with laughter (because I find these two funny) and large amounts of guilt and self-loathing. 

Tears and laughter

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I’m sitting here on my bed watching videos by two of my favorite youtubers (though I’m actually watching their Good Mythical Morning show) and I am crying while I push a spoonful of yogurt into my mouth. My tears are interspersed with laughter (because I find these two funny) and large amounts of guilt and self-loathing. 

Indecisiveness if getting the better of me

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So, I’ve been purging again. I managed to go two and a half weeks while letting my mouth heal. However, it doesn’t seem to be healing very quickly, and I couldn’t hold out anymore. Let me tell you, purging with 4 gaping holes in your mouth is pretty painful. Don’t do it. (I should make a list of all the hypocritical advice I give out.)

I was given $50. At first I was excited. Now, I just feel anxious. I’ve had it for a few days and still have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I want to spend it on registration for some 5k races. Other times, I want to use it to buy groceries, like a responsible, non-disordered adult should do. Still other times I want to buy ALL the binge food, or order something to binge on like Chinese or pizza. Lastly, I sometimes want to use it to buy things I need or want.

I’ve filled up my cart on Amazon about 6 times with different items, getting to the final check out screen, but unable to actually submit the order. I’ve thought a dozen times of asking for a ride to the grocery store. I’ve filled out the registration information for 3 or 4 different races I want to do in the next couple months.

I never commit to any of them.

I feel like I’m sitting on a treasure with no clue what I’m supposed to do with it.

I look at my scale and rush to buy diet pills and laxatives.

I try to study, feel overwhelmed, and almost pick up the phone to order food.

I look at other people eating normal meals and feel guilty that I currently have crackers, Boca patties, and yogurt in my house. Is this recovery? No, buy normal food.

I feel bored and think of various games or books I want to buy.

Why can’t I just pick something?

Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Maybe I should use the money to buy a gift for my friend who just had a baby. Maybe I should help out my sister, who’s moving several hours away from her home. Maybe I should do something sweet for my parents. Maybe I should buy something special for my kitty.

I look at my balance. I close the app on my phone. A few hours later, I check it again, no closer to a decision.

Why?

I’ve never had trouble spending money.

I love to shop. Plus, I can always think of something bulimia-related that I “need”. Why the difference this time?