My body has taken up this annoying habit that I wish it would just quit.
You see, about a month ago, once I get about halfway through a purge, my body decides it wants to help and takes over. Instead of having to gag myself after that, it just starts retching until all my food is up.
This might seem ideal, but it’s really not. First of all, when I gag myself, I usually vomit less violently. It tends to be cleaner, quieter, less painful, and I’m less likely to end up with food and bile up my nose. Also, when my body takes over, I no longer have that control. It’s no longer something I’m meticulously enacting, it’s my body forcing me to do something, and I don’t like that.
I wish I could tell my body, “No really, I’ve got this.”
Yesterday, I saw some pictures of myself that I didn’t know had been taken. I saw how undeniably fay I am. I wanted to destroy the pictures.
I decided last night that something needs to change. So, I decided to do the 2468 diet. I used to do a varient of it when I was anorexic. I couldn’t eat 800 calories, so I changed it to the 01235 diet. However, being bulimic all these years, I thought I should ease back into it, so I’m starting with 800 and I’ll work down to 200 (so really, it’s the 8642 diet?).
For me personally, I do better when I have a new goal each day, which is why I like varying diets like this one. It’s also probably the easiest to follow because I know all the numbers and just cycle, unlike the ones that set up a month and then I’d have to look it up each day.
I’m still undecided as to whether to try to keep this food down. Even in small doses it’s hard to keep food in. For example, I’ve had 568 calories today, I haven’t purged, and I am STUFFED.