And then I cut my hair

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The last few weeks have been hard.

I had a complete mental breakdown while I my friend was in town. That was frustrating and very embarrassing.

Then, when I came home to find that I had no internet and no tv, I was even more frustrated. I don’t “watch” a lot of tv, but I like to have it on for background noise. I don’t handle silence well.

I then discovered I was being kicked out of school. No surprise there, I haven’t done anything school related in months. However, at the reality of it, I panicked. I need to stay in school. I need to get my degree.

Finally, Sunday night I lost my phone service. I felt completely alone and isolated with no phone service and no internet. I was already not doing well, and this just added to it.

For the last week I’ve had a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed. Getting out of bed just means I will eat. There is nothing to do, no one to talk to, and nothing that needs to be done. Why, therefore, should I get out of bed at all?

I did, though. Each day I would get up sometime between 2 and 5pm, stay up until around midnight, and then go back to bed. I wasn’t asleep most of this time, just lying in bed. Sometimes reading, sometimes playing games. Sometimes just lying there hating myself.

I couldn’t even get myself to exercise. I went from working out up to 8 hours a day to nothing. I would look at my bike and think, “I should really exercise,” and then I just wouldn’t. I stopped showering and some days didn’t even get dressed. I upped my laxatives, got drunk, and tried to stay far away from my blades.

After leaving messages with my school over the weekend, I got a call back Monday morning. If I could show specific progress, I and keep that up, I could stay in school. I felt relief, but also pressure. I had been avoiding my classes for the last 2 months and I felt completely overwhelmed at where to even start. I went and looked at my books, closed them, and tried to numb out.

Then, I received an email with the schedule of progress I need to keep. I looked at week one. I started with what seemed easiest and most clear. “Just start,” I told myself.

It was slow at first, but I began tackling that list.

Yesterday, I woke up and had renewed determination. I got up and showered, then pulled my hair into one hand and cut most of it off. I had been growing my hair out for the last few years and it was pretty long. However, I needed a change, and I needed something tangible. Cutting my hair, like controlling my intake and outtake, is something I can control. However, unlike with food, it brings immediate results.

After brushing my now-mangled hair, I went to my mom and asked if she could cut it straight for me. She looked at my hair and asked what I had done. I explained that I had cut it, but I needed her to finish it. She asked why I cut it, I said that I am too depressed for long hair right now, it’s just too hard to take care of. Also, the weight of it was starting to give me migraines. She finished cutting my hair for me.

Yesterday, I made good progress on my list. I also exercised. Only for an hour. I ate dinner. I didn’t keep it down, but I did eat it. I reduced the amount of laxatives I’m taking.

Today, I finished the first week’s worth of progress for school. My first thought was to keep going and start work on week two. However, I know that’s how I get burnt out. This evening I am taking a break. I’m going to read and enjoy having internet for a few hours while it lasts. I’m going to bounce my head around while I enjoy the new lightness of my hair. I’m going to try to be ok to just be.

Maybe it will last. Maybe it won’t. But for now, I’m ok.

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10 responses »

  1. Oh man reading this just hit so close to home.. I can relate all too well to the academic struggles, depression, urges to binge eat/purge/self harm, inability to get out of bed…for weeks on end. I’m glad you’re making good progress and working through it though. Stay strong! I wish you the best ❤

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  2. Just keep trying, it should get better after you get back into a normal routine. I know from past experience how hard it can be to get out of a deep depression, but if you can do it, you’ll probably find that you enjoy all the small things even more. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs.

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