Daily Archives: June 26, 2014

Carrots will kill you


I got home and my dad asked, in a very concerned voice, “Have you eaten at all today?” 

I admitted I had not and he looked more concerned, so I decided to eat some carrots. 

Instead of just telling him how crappy I felt and how upset my stomach was, I tried to alleviate his concern. With carrots. 

I ALWAYS forget how hard raw carrots are on my stomach. Always. So,  I ate them, and quickly felt the stomach pain. 

After feeling terrible for a bit, I decided to head to bed. When I got to my room, the realization of what I had done hit me. I ate food. I ate food and DIDN’T purge. I ate food I didn’t purge on the same day I didn’t work out and when I didn’t take laxatives this evening. It’s just sitting inside me, decaying, and making me fatter. 

My mind went into full-out freak out mode. 

“Shit, shit, shit! I can’t believe I did that! I’m going to gain so much weight tonight! I’m going to blow up like a balloon! What was I thinking?? How do I fix this!?”

Over carrots. 

And even though I know how silly that seems, I’m still freaking out. 


Back home again


I’m so glad to finally be home. I had to stay longer than normal because I was really dehydrated and they wanted to give me extra fluids.

I was still quite nauseous when I left, so the nurse gave me extra vomit bags.

He called them “vomit dream catchers”. Tasty…

I still feel really sick, though considerably less dizzy. My goal for tonight is to drink water and not take more laxatives.

My doctor was really mad that the eating disorder center keeps pushing my admission date back. (Oh, yeah, I haven’t told you about that yet. I’m not starting PHP next week.) She called them, but the person I’ve been dealing with had already left for the day, so she left her a message saying that I need to be admitted as soon as possible and that she was sending me to the ER again and that they need to call her and explain what’s going on.

I love my doctor.

Ok, I’m going to bed now. Goodnight!

Another day, another ER




Sick as a dog


Remember that plan I told you was a bad idea? The one that involved way too many laxatives? 

Well, I didn’t actually stop taking them, or even slow down how many or often I was taking them, I just noted it was a very bad idea. 

I woke up this morning in severe pain in my abdomen and chest, terrible nausea, aching everywhere, and my bowels are cramping something fierce. 

I’ve been alternating between lying in bed feeling like I’m dying and sitting on the toilet gushing from my bum. 

I’m supposed to see the doctor today, but now I’m not even sure I can get there. 

Too tired to go to bed


I’m super tired. I want to sleep. I need to use the bathroom and move a couple things off my bed. I don’t have the energy. 

I fall over sideways and rest mu head on the blanket. I’ll just rest here a minute. 

Something’s not right here



So, one edge of my…whatever this turns out to be (I’m guessing a scarf) is smooth and straight.



However, the other edge is jagged and irregular. I have no idea why, or what I’m doing wrong.

Anyone out there with knitting experience know what the problem is?

All over you


I decided one last quick binge/purge session for the night would be a good idea. I filled the sink with hot, soapy water and the dirty dishes from today. Then, I filled a pot with water and set it to boil. 

While I washed dishes, I also made a pot of pasta. The dishes and the food got done at the same time. How convenient! I snarfed down the pasta, cleaned the pot and bowl, and went to purge. 

That’s when the disaster happened. 

Here I am, minding my own business, puking my guts, thinking everything is fine. 

It was about to be very un-fine. 

I gagged myself, and right as the food came out, for seemingly no reason at all, my head jerked forward. Instead of spraying into the toilet, I sprayed ALL OVER myself. 

It was like a vomit shower, and I was both the shower head, and the person showering. 

In a split second I went from being happily purging to being drenched in my own regurgitated food, stomach acid, and bile. My shirt was soaked through and it was dripping down my bare legs where it was pooling around my feet. 

What do you do when such a thing happens? Well, after the shock wore off, I finished purging as quickly as possible, stripped down and cleaned myself up. New clothes and lots of soap later, I still feel dirty.