I feel famous!

Wow, I’m so honored! Apparently you can be crazy and still be popular.

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Liebster Award, Times 2!

I was nominated a long time ago for a Liebster Award. I started a post for it, intending to publish it, but got tired, saved it, and forgot about it. Then, recently, I was nominated for 2 other awards, so I thought I should pull this out of my drafts, dust it off, and start posting these awards.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.
2. Answer the 11 questions they gave you.
3. Nominate 11 other blogs.
4. Let those blogs know that you nominated them by leaving a comment on their blog.
5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.

Here are the questions I was given by I am my own island:

1. What was your best year and why? 2011 because I got to spend all summer with my nieces and nephew.
2. How did you decide the name of your blog? I looked up synonyms of abstinence and found “abstemious” which means
   “sparing or moderate in eating and drinking; temperate in diet. characterized by abstinence”. I started this blog before I started treatment for bulimia and it was basically my way of saying I didn’t want to have to eat ever again. (I actually still don’t want to.)
   
3. What book would you recommend to read or a movie to watch? And why? Movie: The Princess Bride and Oscar. Book: Howl’s moving Castle (the movie is also good), the Artemis Fowl series.
4. Do you believe recovery is possible? It really depends on the day.
5. When you have trouble falling asleep what do you do? Usually play games or read blogs on my phone. I also watch Netflix on my tablet. (I’m looking for a new series, so if you have suggestions, leave them in the comments!)
6. Do you have a hobby and how did you decide on it? I like to craft and I like to play games, does that count?
7. Do you have social media you’d like people to follow? Nope. I only have Facebook and I try to keep it separate from my blog life. I am able to blog honestly because of the anonymity it affords me.
8. If you could meet anyone on the planet who would it be? Nicola Tesla. He’s on the planet, so he counts, right?
9. Last meal you ate what did you have? Ughhh, pizza.
10. Do you have any pets? I have a wonderful kitty named Narcissa Neapolitan Hallow.
11. Do  you have a favorite commercial? I don’t think so. I hate the Sonic commercials, though. And probably every car insurance commercial.

I was also nominated by Right2Recover, and here are her questions:

1. What is one thing in life that you could never regret doing, and why? Standing up for someone else, especially when they are being hurt, harmed, or their rights are being impinged upon.
2. Who in your life makes the most effort to understand you? My friend Lea. She used to struggle with anorexia, and she is great about supporting and listening and just understanding without ever judging.
3. If you could switch genders for a day, would you take the opportunity? I’ve actually thought about this before. I’m not sure. Maybe, just to see if I was treated differently by people, but I do like being female. I like wearing dresses and doing my nails and all that. I’m fine with being a lady. Though, the ability to urinate standing up does seem appealing…
4. What relaxes you? Nothing healthy, that I’ve found… Mostly purging and cutting…
5. If you had to pick one thing to bring you out of a really dark place or deep depression, what would it be? I’m not sure I understand this question…
6. Are you more comfortable in a group of people or by yourself? Uh…it just depends. Sometimes I definitely prefer to be alone, but sometimes I don’t handle being alone very well. Sometimes I really like being around others, and sometimes I hate it. I’m inconsistent.
7. What is your favourite outfit to put on, and why does it make you feel more confident? The one I’m currently wearing. It’s a black maxi dress with a pretty pattern in white. I like it because it’s flowy, so it doesn’t show off or accentuate my body, and because it’s suuuper comfortable. It’s like wearing a socially acceptable blanket (as far as comfort goes).
8. Are you religious? If so, what are your basic beliefs about humanity, morality, and evil? (Big question, I know!) Yes, I consider myself a Christian. Yes, this is, indeed a big question! I think it’s a little too open-ended for me for when I’m feverish. Perhaps I’ll try to come back to this topic at a later date.
9. Are you daring or more risk averse? Hahaha, ohhh, it depends on the day. There are times when I am VERY risk-avoidant, and others when I take risks without much thought to the consequences.
10. In general, which is the more honest sex? (M or F) Psshh, I think it’s more of a person-by-person thing.
11. Have you remembered that you’re beautiful yet, today? No, I hadn’t.

And that’s all 22 questions! Now to nominate some blogs! My nominations are:

1. The Fat Ballerina
2. Right2Recover
3. Ambivalence Girl
4. Let Me See My Kids
5. Recovery Bound
6. See the Bright Side of Life
7. The Sound of Ed’s Voice
8. Twirly Bunny
9. Caged No More
10. Manic Cotton Candy
11. Glenn 2.0

And now, I shall attempt to come up with 11 questions…

1. Why did you start your blog?
2. What is one of your favorite things in the world?
3. What is your favorite tv series or book series? (You can share both if you want.)
4. Do you have any pets? If so, tell me about them! If not, why, and what would you get if you got a pet?
5. What is your favorite vegetable?
6. Do you have any mildly embarrassing hobbies or obsessions that you’re willing to share?
7. Do you ever have trouble coming up with blog post topics?
8. Do you prefer to be hot or cold, and why?
9. Do you have a favorite flower or plant?
10. What is one piece of advise you would want to pass on to the next generation?
11. Is there anything you wish you could tell yourself and get yourself to believe it that you currently don’t?

Annnd, end scene!

Backpedaling

I noticed a trend in myself this morning. I backpedal a lot. But only in situations where it’s important, and mostly when others are trying to help me.

I remember, when I did residential in 2010, I was there for almost 8 months. About halfway through, I was really struggling. I was having a lot of hallucinations and I was very suicidal. I wrote a note about it and put it in the program director’s mailbox. (That’s about as direct as a I get.)

I was summoned to her office to talk about the note. When confronted, I backpedaled. No, I wasn’t reallyworried about hurting myself. I that suicidal. (I’m not sure how suicidal you have to be to be considered a risk?) I wasn’t really having hallucinations. Blah, blah, blah.

Because I couldn’t be upfront and honest, I ended up not getting the specialized help that I needed, and my stay there was probably longer than it would have been otherwise.

I noticed this morning that I do this a lot. I put some information out there, wait for the professionals to react, then retract my statements. I don’t know why I do this. I did it this morning.

In my session this morning, I mentioned in passing how much I was struggling, and the finger indecent. He was, naturally (and rightly) concerned. He wanted to call an ambulance and have me admitted in the hospital to keep me safe. He was very worried about my safety.

So, I did the only logical thing, which was to downplay the whole event and to minimize the extent to which I was struggling. I’m, apparently, really good at this. I’m great at assuring mental and medical health professionals that I’m not really a danger to myself and that I’m not really struggling. And I convinced him. Well, at least enough that he didn’t call the ambulance.

He did schedule another meeting for Monday, but I wasn’t admitted to the hospital today.

The thing is, I do this with myself. I have thought every day this week, at some point, “if I’m feeling this way tomorrow, I’ll go to the hospital.” But when the next day comes, I talk myself out of it. I convince myself that I’m really not doing that badly and that I don’t really need to go.

Again, I don’t know why I do this. Maybe I should tell him on Monday…

They told me to cut the pizza.

So, I did.

Fever and hospital threats

I set my alarm for 8:00am today. I needed to leave by 8:30 to make it to my appointment at the mental health center. I had so much trouble waking up this morning, and with hitting my snooze button, I finally crawled out of bed at 8:26am. I threw on a dress, pulled my hair back, and ran (walked slowly) out to the car.

I was a little late to the appointment, but not excessively. The appointment was painfully long. (It really just felt long, it wasn’t longer than normal.) I did end up telling him about how not-well I’ve been doing. He suggested/threatened calling an ambulance right then. I was able to talk my way out of that. I’m not sure if that was the wisest choice, but I’ll talk about that in another post.

When I got home, I was absolutely wiped an very dizzy. I thought to check my temperature and it was 102.4. Well, there’s your problem. I think I was also very dehydrated. So, I drank some water and went to bed. I slept for a couple hours, got up, binged and purged, and went back to bed.

Now, I am resting and chatting with my family. One of my brothers is over. He made his own board game and my dad asked him to bring it over so we can play it. It’s a fun game. They got pizza. Yay….

So, now I shall spend time with my family. I’m looking forward to it. Not the pizza part, but enjoying the company of my family.

Oh, and I still haven’t heard from the ED clinic. I called again today. The mental health guy said he’ll also call them. Hopefully I hear something soon.

What color are your eyes?

Would you believe me if I said that I didn’t know what color my eyes were until yesterday?

How is this possible, you ask? Well, I avoid looking at myself in the mirror like the plague. I don’t wear makeup, and I usually do my hair without the aid of a mirror. When I do use a mirror, I look only at the spot I need to do my hair, and then leave as quickly as possible.

Growing up, I had blue eyes. On my ID, it lists my eye color as blue. However, my eyes are most definitely green. Not blue-green, not some combination, but really and truly green. My mom said that all of her children who had blue eyes as children (which is 4) have changed to green, grey, or hazel over time.

Well, that’s pretty much the whole point of this point. I just found it odd that I didn’t even know my own eye color.