I even fail at sleeping

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So, I didn’t succeed at sleeping for the next couple days.

I did ignore a call from my case worker because he was checking up on me to make sure I made an appointment with my doctor or went to the hospital, which I did neither.

Since I wasn’t able to sleep, despite the sleeping pills, I did the next best thing. Instead of eating nothing, I ate everything. I’ve pretty much binged and purged and swallowed pills (diet pills and laxatives) all day. Oh, and watched The Wonder Years. Kevin’s getting close to finishing the 9th grade.

Now, I’m…still eating…and introducing my mom to Attack on Titan. I have a pretty awesome momma.

I haven’t exercised at all today because I’ve been too busy stuffing my face. However, I know I’ll get it all in before I go to bed.

A friend told me today that she thinks I should go to the hospital. I explained that I don’t think I need to, and I doubt the doctors would think so either. Plus, I hate going to the ER explaining that I’m there for ED reasons. I know they all laugh inside because I’m so damn fat.

I feel like I have to prove myself in order to be taken seriously. And I feel like my behaviors aren’t bad enough that it needs to be taken seriously. I’m not in danger of dying. I’m not on a feeding tube. My electrolytes aren’t even consistently low. I was fainting while I wasn’t eating, but now I’m back to binging and purging and, while I feel consistently dizzy, I’m not passing out anymore. I don’t even know what I would tell the doctors at the hospital, “My symptoms? Uh…well, I feel dizzy a lot. That’s really about it…”

That’s not something you go to the hospital for. If I still couldn’t eat, I could see going in, but that’s not the case.

I just don’t see how it’s medically necessary.

Anyway, I have a meeting with my behavioral health case worker on Friday morning, which I’m not looking forward to since I’m ignoring him and I’m sure we’re going to talk about that.

I feel like, at this point, there’s just not anything anyone can do for me, and nothing I can do either, so I’m just waiting. Waiting for admissions or waiting to be sicker. We’ll see which comes first.

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10 responses »

  1. I don’t think the staff at the hospital would be judging you as they would be aware of what you are experiencing with an eating disorder. Perhaps your friend and social worker as seeing things that you lack the insight to see.

    For so many years, decades in fact, I lacked the insight to see that I needed help. The clues should have been that all aspects of my life were in chaos. But I lacked the insight to see that everything was a mess.

    Sometimes others see in us what we don’t. And sometimes we need to listen to them.

    Good luck!

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  2. There have been moments I almost went to the ER but then, like you, I can’t even pinpoint exactly what is wrong. Ummm hi, I feel kinda off tonight and I think I’m having a heart attack. LoL yeah!?!?!

    Like

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