One of the things I hate most about binging and purging is when I’m full from binging to the point where I’m in physical pain…but I keep eating anyway. I don’t understand why I do this. I just can’t seem to stop.
The food doesn’t even taste good anymore, and every bite makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I feel like my stomach is going to tear open. Yet, I keep eating.
I hate myself.
I call you brother and sister because we are on this painful, misunderstood, stereotyped, mysterious journey together. Though we have never met, though we don’t agree or believe the same on everything, though our stories are different, at this moment in time, we understand each other like so few do, like so few can.
And you, you right there, you are beautiful.
I was struck by this truth as I read the blog of a fellow sufferer. There is a beauty in you that comes from the pain, that comes from struggling each day, each meal, each minute, and continuing to continue. There is beauty in your strength. There is beauty in your vulnerability. There is beauty in your struggle, and beauty in your resilience.
That includes you.
I wish me telling you this could make you see your own beauty, could make you understand that you need to stop abusing yourself in your own mind. I know it won’t. But know that I believe it’s true for you.
This includes every parent, friend, bully, significant other, stranger, and everyone in between. It also includes the voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough.
You are beautiful. Try to mull that over for a bit. Not only that, you are strong. You are so much stronger than you realize. You are here, you are reading this, and that means you’ve overcome every obstacle in your life so far, and you’re still here. You may not have the best coping mechanisms, you may not know or see your strength, but you are strong just for surviving. And you are worth it. You are worth being on this earth. You are worth that food. You are worth the air you breathe and the space you take up. You are also worth recovery, and I hope that if you don’t see that you, someday you will.
Thank you for being here. When your head tells you you’re not worth it, or that you shouldn’t be here, remember that I am so grateful that you are here. Keep existing. ❤
So, I didn’t succeed at sleeping for the next couple days.
I did ignore a call from my case worker because he was checking up on me to make sure I made an appointment with my doctor or went to the hospital, which I did neither.
Since I wasn’t able to sleep, despite the sleeping pills, I did the next best thing. Instead of eating nothing, I ate everything. I’ve pretty much binged and purged and swallowed pills (diet pills and laxatives) all day. Oh, and watched The Wonder Years. Kevin’s getting close to finishing the 9th grade.
Now, I’m…still eating…and introducing my mom to Attack on Titan. I have a pretty awesome momma.
I haven’t exercised at all today because I’ve been too busy stuffing my face. However, I know I’ll get it all in before I go to bed.
A friend told me today that she thinks I should go to the hospital. I explained that I don’t think I need to, and I doubt the doctors would think so either. Plus, I hate going to the ER explaining that I’m there for ED reasons. I know they all laugh inside because I’m so damn fat.
I feel like I have to prove myself in order to be taken seriously. And I feel like my behaviors aren’t bad enough that it needs to be taken seriously. I’m not in danger of dying. I’m not on a feeding tube. My electrolytes aren’t even consistently low. I was fainting while I wasn’t eating, but now I’m back to binging and purging and, while I feel consistently dizzy, I’m not passing out anymore. I don’t even know what I would tell the doctors at the hospital, “My symptoms? Uh…well, I feel dizzy a lot. That’s really about it…”
That’s not something you go to the hospital for. If I still couldn’t eat, I could see going in, but that’s not the case.
I just don’t see how it’s medically necessary.
Anyway, I have a meeting with my behavioral health case worker on Friday morning, which I’m not looking forward to since I’m ignoring him and I’m sure we’re going to talk about that.
I feel like, at this point, there’s just not anything anyone can do for me, and nothing I can do either, so I’m just waiting. Waiting for admissions or waiting to be sicker. We’ll see which comes first.
I woke up still exhausted. I went through my morning routine of using the toilet, undressing, and weighing. Overnight my weight went up 6 pounds.
Despite the hours of exercise yesterday, the laxatives, the purging, I still managed to gain 6 pounds. I cried.
Then I went back to bed. I’m probably going to take some sleep meds and try to sleep for a couple days. If I’m sleeping, I’m not eating.
I got in my third workout of the day after binging and purging on my first ever delivery order of Chinese food.
I am now exhausted, lying in bed, belly full of water and laxatives.
Tomorrow is another day. Another day of food and vomit. Another day of diet pills and laxatives. Another day of exercising until my body gives out. And the thought of it is exhausting. Is overwhelming.
But I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop.
a2eternity 