I’m Alive!


Sorry for not posting for a few days. I spent the weekend with my brothers. I spent a good portion of the weekend drunk. Really, stupidly drunk.

There’s not a lot to mention about that. We drank a lot, we played some games, and we talked some.

However, Saturday morning, I went to breakfast with a friend. (The anorexic friend who canceled last week.) I actually somehow managed in my drunken Friday night state to turn off my alarm for Saturday morning, so I woke up to a brother telling me, “I think there’s someone at the door for you.”

I got up and quickly changed and brushed my hair and left with her. We went to some place I’d never heard of before and I got an omelet. I ate it pretty well, but I did end up stabbing and playing with my food toward the end, and turned my hash browns, hollandaise sauce, and English muffin into art on my plate. I’m sure the restaurant staff appreciated that.

After breakfast, we both decided we needed to do something else to distract ourselves from the food we’d just eaten, so we went to a local park. We talked and shared pictures and it was actually really fun. Around 11:00 she took me back to my brothers’ place.

I didn’t purge that meal, the first in who knows how long, and it made me so sick to keep it down. My brothers made soup for dinner, which I ate and purged, and I finally felt better for the first time that day. I have no idea how I’m going to keep down 3 meals and snacks a day in treatment.

Yesterday evening, another friend came over to my brothers’ and we played some board games (Bezzerwizzer and Quelf) and then she took me home.

For some reason unknown to me, I got really sad on the way home. I wasn’t sad to be leaving my brothers, I was actually pretty relieved. That sad feeling stayed with me the rest of the evening.

I went to bed around midnight, and fell asleep around 1am. I woke up today at 4pm. Sheesh!

I spent several hours binging and purging. I then dissolved some laxatives and took them, then cut. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I don’t deserve food and I don’t deserve to be breathing and I needed to punish myself for these things.

After I finish watching this tv show, I’m going to go work out until I wear myself out, then I’m going back to bed. Tomorrow I’m going out with a friend for coffee, and hopefully hearing about a placement in the PHP (their meeting about it is at 11:00am).


6 responses »

  1. I am glad you feel better, and I think it is great you kept a meal down. I think that sick feeling will go away after a while, probably your body was just a bit overwhelmed and had to adjust, if it had some reliable meals it would eventually accept them without fuss. Just be patient with yourself, go easy.


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