I miss you, and I feel selfish

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Today is the birthday of a friend. The first birthday since she died.

She died in September. She died when her heart stopped.

She was bulimic.

We were roommates.

Tears keep coming, but I won’t let myself cry.

I miss you.

Your death reminds me of my own mortality. It scares me. Especially after my visit to the ER. This makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be thinking of you today, but I keep thinking of myself.

I can’t go on facebook right now. All our mutual friends are posting pictures and birthday wishes. I can’t see them, it hurts too much. I can’t look at your face.

I can’t think of how you died, and I don’t want to be reminded of what I’m doing to myself. I feel like I’m letting you down. We went to treatment together and we were going to fight this together, but now you’re gone and I am still struggling.

My cheeks are wet. My throat is tight.

Tomorrow I can forget.

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9 responses »

  1. It is not selfish to think of yourself and your disease. Your friend died of it, but maybe she died so that you and others could live. I’m so sorry that things are hard today, and that you lost such a good friend. But don’t let her death be in vain. She would want you to recover and live a happy life. She would want happiness for you, even if she never got the chance. I’m sure she’s watching over you, wherever she is, and wishing you a happy life.

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