Monthly Archives: May 2014

I can’t even think of a title…

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I still haven’t been able to eat anything.

I am getting some water down, and I remembered to take my meds today, which is good.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, so I got up at 6am after trying for hours to sleep. I had been wanting to cut, this seems to come up more when I’m sleep deprived, so I grabbed a coloring book and my colored pencils and colored for a bit while I listened to The Wonder Years on Netflix.

After everyone else woke up, I went and used my bike until I thought I couldn’t pedal anymore, and then made myself keep going. Afterward I took a shower. It’s a good thing there’s a bench in my shower, or I wouldn’t have made it, my legs were like liquid.

I have taken both weight loss pills and laxatives today, but I’m feeling pretty good.

On a positive note, I told a friend about my ride situation and she offered to take me to my behavioral health appointment in the morning. I’m very relieved. I know that I need to go tomorrow, and if I had to reschedule, I’m not sure I’d work up the strength to go.

In other news, my x-rays are scheduled for next Thursday to see whether or not I have rheumatoid arthritis. I’m looking forward to that just so I can find out one way or the other.

I need to study today. I’m scared of failing my classes. I just can’t seem to get myself to actually do it. I also want to exercise again before I go to bed. Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.

I feel like there’s more I want to write, more I want to express, but I can’t seem to actually form it into anything.

I have learned a valuable lesson

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Apparently, when I take diet pills that have the caffeine equivalent of 6 cups of coffee, I can’t sleep.

I didn’t get ANY sleep last night.

I just shat myself

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Gotta love laxative abuse. I’m lying in bed, minding my own business, when the next thing I know I’m lying in a puddle of my own poo.

Yeah, the life of a bulimic is very glamorous.

Accomplishment!

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It’s assembled!

I didn’t do it. I convinced my daddy to.

I still haven’t eaten today. I did get some water down. I then used my bike until my legs turned to jello (didn’t take nearly as long as I’d hoped), took some laxatives, and collapsed in bed.

That’s where I am now. I shall spend the rest of the night watching Netflix, probably The Wonder Years, until I get sleepy.

Have a good night!

I added some pages

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I added an about page and a contact page. So now, you can learn about me, and contact me! (I know you’re ridiculously excited about this.)

So I’ve been thinking…

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After my post last night about issuing myself challenges, I lay in bed thinking for a very long time. Thinking about me, about my eating disorder, about my life right now, and about how something needs to change.

I can’t keep spending my days in a cycle of binging, purging, and laxatives. I’m getting NOTHING done, I’m exhausted, I have a migraine constantly, I’m perpetually dizzy, etc, etc, etc.

Also worrying me, I have started shaking a lot. Nearly constantly. And trying to do anything that requires fine motor skills (you know, important things like using my phone) is becoming harder and harder.

I have a doctor appointment next Monday morning, but I don’t know if there’s really anything my doctor can do for me while I’m so entangled in my behaviors. I was supposed to have an appointment on Friday morning with the county behavioral health guy, but I just found out (while writing this post) that my ride canceled. I guess I’ll be rescheduling.

I was going to to tell him on Friday how much I’m struggling and see if he has an ideas or resources for me. I just feel at the end of my rope. The news that I won’t be going on Friday doesn’t help any. I know I need to make a change, but I don’t know how. I want to stop taking the laxatives, but I can’t.

It’s 7:30pm and I haven’t eaten today. I started taking weight loss pills today. I can’t get myself to eat. It’s a refreshing change from binging and purging literally all day long. However, I know that it’s really not any better to go from that to eating absolutely nothing. But I just can’t eat.

I don’t even know why. Normally when I’m restricting, I have to fight myself not to binge and purge. Today, I have to fight myself just to drink water, let alone try to eat something. It’s just not happening.

I feel really numb and disconnected today. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been isolating a lot. I haven’t been going out with friends, and I also haven’t been texting or talking to them. I stopped answering my phone.

I did finally answer my phone today. I’m glad I did. I didn’t know how much I needed to connect with someone. However, despite that, I still disconnected. From both myself and others.

And dizzy. So dizzy.

I feel like I’m just rambling now. I had originally meant for this post to be about how I realized that I need to make a change but just don’t know how to do it. I really do feel lost. I am out of ideas, out of resources, and out of energy to fight anymore.

But for the first time in a while, I’m not giving up. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Challenge Accepted

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I’m not sure why, but the last couple days, I’ve been issuing myself “bulimic challenges”.

I didn’t call them that until I went to write this post, but that’s essentially what they are. I’ll say to myself something like, “I’m going to try eat this whole box of cereal tonight” or “I wonder if I can eat that 5 pound jar of peanut butter in one sitting”.

Then I try.

I don’t know what started this, or what made my brain think this was a good idea. I didn’t even notice I was doing it at first. This is definitely a new thing for me.

I’m going to try to stay aware of it and stop doing it. The last thing I need right now is to be issuing myself dangerous food challenges.

Mortality Rates

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“Mortality Rates:

Although eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder,  the mortality rates reported on those who suffer from eating disorders can vary considerably between studies and sources. Part of the reason why there is a large variance in the reported number of deaths caused by eating disorders is because those who suffer from an eating disorder may ultimately die of heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. Often, the medical complications of death are reported instead of the eating disorder that  compromised a person’s health.

According to a study done by colleagues at the American Journal of Psychiatry (2009), crude mortality rates were:

• 4% for anorexia nervosa

• 3.9%  for bulimia nervosa

• 5.2% for eating disorder not otherwise specified”

(http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/)

It frustrates me when people act like (or outright say) that anorexia is either the only dangerous eating disorder, or is the most dangerous. EDNOS is by far the most dangerous by every estimate I’ve seen.

The thing with anorexia is that malnutrition is pretty easy to link to the eating disorder. Things like heart failure or internal bleeding from bulimia are a lot harder to link to it, unless the coroner is informed that the patient had an eating disorder, and then is still often not put as the cause of death.

While there is no definitive number of eating disorder-related deaths, all eating disorders are dangerous. Never assume that because you or a loved-one doesn’t have anorexia that you are “safe” or in less danger. You may actually be at higher risk.

EVERYONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER IS SKINNY & NEEDS TO GAIN WEIGHT

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EVERYONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER IS SKINNY & NEEDS TO GAIN WEIGHT

A great post.

Grace on the Moon

There are many things that all sufferers of an eating disorder have in common, whether they deal primarily with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).   Many a book, lecture and website has been filled with a detailing of the commonalities, such as low self-esteem, bad body image, a history of painful life events, a lack of healthy coping skills, and not knowing how to get help.

As well, virtually all approaches to recovery from an eating disorder have things in common.  Therapists, doctors, inpatient professionals, nutritionists, co-sufferers and others usually recognize that everyone who wants to recover must address their fears, assumptions, and painful emotions.  They must challenge beliefs that have held them down for a long time.  They must show up to their treatment appointments and do the homework it takes to apply those lessons to their lives.  They must take stock of their…

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