My appointment with my outpatient counselor didn’t go well.

Last week, I had told her that, because of my experience with the hospital this last time when I checked myself in for feeling suicidal, I would not tell anyone again.

Today, she basically said that she needed a commitment from me that I would tell her if I was feeling suicidal in order to work with me. I told her I guess we can’t work together.

So now it’s half past 9, we talked for 20 minutes and now it’s over and I’ve walked out of the center for the last time.

She mentioned that my insurance doesn’t want to pay for any more IOP, so outpatient is really my only option. I told her it was fine, I just won’t seek treatment right now.

I explained that outpatient just isn’t enough for me right now and that it just makes it harder. And since I can’t (won’t) commit to telling her when I’m feeling “unsafe” there’s no reason to continue. I left tge appointment early. We had talked the subject through and it was just getting awkward.

It was weird, leaving through those doors knowing I wouldn’t be back. I guess I had held onto a sliver of hope that somehow I could finish out the IOP. Now I know that hope is gone. Treatment for me is over. Officially, definitely, over.


9 responses »

  1. This is so near to my story. Being bull headed certainly does have its draw backs. Do keep searching. You’ll be surprised by how much more is out there! But yes, it is a really weird feeling.


      • Ughhh, that’s for certain. Sometimes I wonder if some treatment makes things worse. For me it made me focus on everything that was wrong and made me feel that I had to be sick to continue. Knowing I would be weighed made lose more weight, take pills. It was a vicious circle. I left more motivated to gain weight and be healthier. IDK, it is all confusing. And I can’t believe how easily therapist and doctors let us go! My last doctor refused to see me (cx my appt only 45 min before the appt) since I no longer had a treatment team. You can always go back, swallow your pride, agree to her terms.


  2. Hope is never truly gone. We just believe it is. There’s always a last resort, even if it requires doing something that we previously refused to do, like asking for money from family.

    Any counselor would refuse to treat you if they knew you refused to share suicidal thoughts because if (heaven forbid) you did die, 1) they could be liable for medical negligence by not trying to get that commitment from you, 2) nobody wants a preventable death on their conscience, 3) being uncooperative indicates that you’re being resistant to recovery, and successful outpatient treatment requires a lot of cooperation and commitment from you.

    I’m sorry for being pedantic, but I’m really rooting for you here! Treatment makes life harder because breaking habits is uncomfortable and frustrating and difficult, but looking back, it is so worth it. You are so worth it.


  3. It’s a shame that money sometimes becomes the big obstacle to treatment.
    I do wonder about the term treatment resistant and if it is a euphemism for, simply, being wrongly medicated?
    As that was my experience.
    Good luck with it all and I hope you find a solution.
    Keep on blogging and share your thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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