My appointment with my outpatient counselor didn’t go well.
Last week, I had told her that, because of my experience with the hospital this last time when I checked myself in for feeling suicidal, I would not tell anyone again.
Today, she basically said that she needed a commitment from me that I would tell her if I was feeling suicidal in order to work with me. I told her I guess we can’t work together.
So now it’s half past 9, we talked for 20 minutes and now it’s over and I’ve walked out of the center for the last time.
She mentioned that my insurance doesn’t want to pay for any more IOP, so outpatient is really my only option. I told her it was fine, I just won’t seek treatment right now.
I explained that outpatient just isn’t enough for me right now and that it just makes it harder. And since I can’t (won’t) commit to telling her when I’m feeling “unsafe” there’s no reason to continue. I left tge appointment early. We had talked the subject through and it was just getting awkward.
It was weird, leaving through those doors knowing I wouldn’t be back. I guess I had held onto a sliver of hope that somehow I could finish out the IOP. Now I know that hope is gone. Treatment for me is over. Officially, definitely, over.