“What did you binge on today?”

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I love the suspicion in her eyes.

While surfing the interwebs, I came across a post on an eating disorder “support” forum asking what people had binged on today.

Normally, this wouldn’t interest me because I don’t really care what other people have eaten, it just makes me feel guilty for what I have consumed. However, some of them made me cringe.

“a apple and a can of diet soda”
(Why are you even including the diet soda?)

“4 walnuts, 1 teaspoon of peanut butter, 2 carrots, 1 anchovy, and I looked at a piece of cake the wrong way”
(I may have added that last one.)

“half a cantaloupe”
(I honestly can’t ever remember which is the cantaloupe and which is the honeydew.)

Oh, my dear Ana friends, I get it. I’ve been there. I remember when eating a cup of oatmeal felt like a binge. But a binge it is not.

I can feel like an anorexic, but that doesn’t make me one. Just because you feel like you binged doesn’t make it one.

Try 6 cups of rice (with butter), a large pizza, 2 liters of pizza, a hamburger, a huge batch of fries (with fry sauce), a whole jar of peanut butter, a pot of pasta, a whole batch of soup, do I need to continue?

Now granted, most days are not that bad. But when I binge and purge, I binge. If I don’t, I just purge. Eating a normal meal and purging feels like binging because normalcy terrifies me. But again, that doesn’t make it a binge.

I’m sure it would annoy an anorexic person if I was like, “I totally restricted today! I only ate 2500 calories!,” it bothers me when people say they binged when they are actually restricting.

I realize this probably makes me a petty person. Oh well.

 

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10 responses »

  1. If it makes you feel any better my binges are pretty much like yours, just a bit more extensive and add a lot more sweet stuff, always room for a box of cereal too. And thus why I am still up, and I feel like crap and you can have Ana and binge big, ughh I so love and hate ED’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All of this is sounding way too familiar to me. Having been bulimic for over 15 years, I binged on all the stuff you mention and a lot of other stuff too. And don’t worry–I don’t plan to keep writing and saying the same stuff over and over to you. But honestly, this will only stop when you really get good help. I fooled myself for years, thinking I could handle my EDs, but I couldn’t, and I came very close to dying. the hardest part for me was reaching out to someone I trusted and telling them how sick I was. Then, I was able to move forward, get help, and recover. A few days back, I sent you some numbers and other info about NEDA, and I hope you consider getting in touch with them. They are good people and they really want you to get well. Recovery is possible–very possible–and when it happens, I think you’ll be so much happier. But nobody can take that first stop for you, and I beg you to do it.

    xo,
    Mary

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    • Thank you for your kind comment.
      I have contacted NEDA before and was basically told they can’t help me. No one, it seems, can help me. And at the moment, I honestly believe that.
      My hope for everyone suffering from an eating disorder is recovery, but I also recognize that some people will never be able to recover no matter how many programs they do or how many people they see. I have come to the conclusion that I am one of those people.

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  3. If only my binges looked like that… I’m torn. On the one hand should we not be focusing on distress rather than binge size? But on the other hand it isn’t an accurate description of the eating and it can make people who “textbook binge” feel worse. Like you, I have switched EDs so I can see how both “feel” like a binge but you are right, a few hundred calories is not a binge (though it may have some characteristics such as being eaten very fast or being a large volume of food). Not challenging those thoughts that say it is a binge just feeds the ED though.

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