I’m not really bulimic because…

Standard

1. I purged about an hour after eating. I didn’t purge because I as trying to remove calories, I as purging to get that damn food out of my stomach.

I do this a lot: purging to remove food instead of calories.

Honestly, a lot of the time, I don’t care about the calories in terms of purging. I tend to assume that after I eat it, it counts. I have no definitive way of telling how many calories will be absorbed and how many will be purged, so they just all count.

I just hate that feeling of having food in my stomach.

Sometimes I try to wait it out. It rarely works. I’ve purged several hours after eating. At that point, I don’t even know if it’s a physical feeling I’m trying to rid myself of or a psychological feeling. The knowing that I didn’t purge.

2. Sometimes I don’t even try to purge everything. I just purge until I get a certain feeling in my stomach and body. There have been times I’ve known there’s still some food in there, but I just stop because I achieved what I was looking for.

Strangely, other time I need to get everything out, taking extra precautions to make sure I do. (I won’t go into that because I don’t like giving people ideas.)

3. My desire to exercise doesn’t outweigh the pain and fatigue from my fibromyalgia. I am incredibly lazy.

I used to spend hours in the gym. I used to walk/run miles each day. Now, I’m doing well if I walk to the bus stop half a mile away. I consider walking around the store to get binge food a workout. (Though, don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent an hour or more walking around the store being indecisive.)

I could keep going, I have a long list of reasons why I’m “not really bulimic”. However, these are the 3 main ones that bother me the most. It’s not uncommon to bent over the toilet and think to myself, “I’m not really bulimic.”

 

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3 responses »

  1. I’m going to be honest with you, hun:

    If bulimia were just about purging the calories, there wouldn’t be subcategories for laxative/enema/diuretics abuse or compulsive exercise. I know you know this, and I know it’s really easy to rationalise away the eating disorder. Mine was just ‘a lifestyle change’ for over a year.

    Personally, I think if you’d ask a lot of people with eating disorders, they would say that feeling heavy from the food just sitting in their bodies is the most disturbing part and what often brings them to purge in whatever way they choose to do it. Laxative abuse does nothing but clears you out – you literally don’t shed *any* calories by crapping. It’s that ‘being empty’ feeling that many of us crave.

    Lots of love, and be gentle with yourself. ❤

    Like

      • Denial is a defense mechanism. I always think “I’m not sick enough to need treatment. Heck, I should just eat a sandwich, it’s not that hard!” It’s hard to accept because accepting brings us to a decision point: do we want to change or do we want to stay where we are? That knowledge that we have to pick a side is scary, and I know I’d rather hide from it and pretend not to have a problem.

        Sometimes I’m so good at lying to myself that I actually believe me. That’s the sad part. Keep fighting! And don’t let you trick you! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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