May2

Retaining water?

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I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up with this meal plan…

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                  • Are you in IOP? My treatment team wants to move me from outpatient to either Partial or IOP. I’ve done partial, but I haven’t done IOP. How is it? What should I expect if that’s where I end up?

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                    • My treatment team wants me to move up to php (partial hospitalization) but my insurance won’t even approve a full week of treatment, let alone php.
                      Here, iop is kind of like a condensed php. You eat fewer meals and snacks at the center, and we’re not there weekends. We do groups back to back with no free time because we have less time at the center.

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                    • So it’s a full day? The IOP offered from any of the centres in my area is only 3-4 hours with one meal, 3 nights a week. I don’t know much about it, but your IOP sounds like my PHP here. PHP for us was 8am-5:30pm Monday-Friday, no weekends. What’s your PHP like, then?

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                    • No, it’s 5 hours Monday through Thursday evenings. We have dinner and a snack and groups.
                      Php eats all their meals at the center. I’m not sure the hours, but it’s sometime in the morning til around 7pm Monday through Friday with shorter days on the weekends.

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                    • Same. I lose sight of it all the time. Of the days that I actually try and follow my meal plan, most of those are done so that others aren’t disappointed in me. I don’t really know what wanting to recover looks like. I think I want to know what a desire to recover is, but every time I think about a new life that’s completely different from how I live now, I assume that things won’t be any better, and that I would be better off just staying comfortable instead of fighting. I spend more days wanting ED than wanting recovery. :-/

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                    • Sorry! I just saw this now. Cuddle your kitten, drink some water, scream at ED (if you’re alone, of course), call someone to hear you eat. (I hate that one! I dread it so much that it motivates me to go eat alone instead of having someone else know that I’m eating…) Listen to music, distract yourself, colour, dance while making the food. I don’t know. Sometimes these help me, so ?? Haha.

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                    • Haha, thanks for the suggestions! I went the route of “eat all the meal plan food so it’s gone and you don’t have to deal with it anymore!…then purge” instead because my brain is broken or something.

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                    • :-/ Not broken, just needs to be reprogrammed. So does mine. Completely. I definitely skipped snack and already exercised today (even though I’m on restriction). Now I’m baking 4 cakes and hoping I don’t binge on all of them. They’re for a party tomorrow, so hopefully that will help me say no to them.

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                    • I was supposed to talk to my nutritionist (for the last weeks) about whether or not I’m allowed to exercise, but I’ve refused to have that conversation. That’s probably why I’m being dropped by my insurance, I’m not complying with the program very well.

                      I hate when I have to cook/bake something for a social event and then I have to try to NOT eat said food until I take it in.I have actually secretly eaten a cake that was meant for something else, then had to quickly make a new one. Bulimia sucks.

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                    • Do you have any plans for after Tuesday? Do you have an outpatient team? I know it’s nothing like IOP and not near as helpful, but at least it’s something.

                      And yeah – my problem is I always make way more than I sign up to bring because….I actually have no idea. But then my mind gets going after they all are finished saying “You only had to make 2, and now you have 4. What are you going to do with the other 2? Oh, the possibilities…”

                      Fail. ED sucks, I agree.

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                    • I have zero plans after Tuesday at the moment. My ED keeps going, “just go back to bulimia fully after Tuesday, what’s the point of continuing to try?”

                      My counselor was out of town from Thursday and won’t be back until Tuesday, so I won’t be able to set up an aftercare plan until I meet with her on Tuesday.

                      There are so many moments when I feel like my insurance has given up on me so I should too…

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                    • I totally understand that thought process. I relapsed so hard after my insurance dropped me from PHP. It sucked because they literally gave me no warning. I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone that I had just spent the hardest month of my life with because one morning I was handed an insurance denial and wasn’t allowed to go up to the unit. “If they don’t think I can get better, than what’s the point of trying? They won’t support me because they don’t believe I can do it. Either that or they don’t think I’m sick enough, meaning I really don’t have a problem at all…”

                      The most important thing to remember about insurance is that it exists to make money off of you. They don’t want to help you in the first place, so they’ll cut it as short as they can justify cutting it. They’re a business – they’re not in it to help people, they’re in it for their bottom line. And how do you profit? By charging people money for what they don’t use. They have no personal say in your recovery.

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