Flashbacks over photographs

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Last night was terrible.

It wasn’t too bad until the end of the night. One of the girls in treatment left to go back home, last night was her last night. She wanted a group picture.

I tried leaving without being in the picture. Pictures are very triggering for me and I really didn’t want to start the weekend being triggered.

However, as I tried to leave the room, my way was blocked by one of the other patients. Everyone else kept telling me I needed to be in the picture, and the one blocking my way said she wasn’t moving until I agreed to be in the picture.

It felt just like the rapes. I was trapped and no one cared what I wanted. I gave up and agreed to be in the picture. I couldn’t smile, I just sat there, trying not to cry.

I went home and binged and purged and cut and almost ODed, but went to bed instead.

I haven’t talked to anyone from the group today, I don’t want to talk to them, don’t want to see them. Part of me doesn’t even want to go back to treatment on Monday.

And speaking of treatment, I got a call today letting me know that I’ve only been approved for Monday and Tuesday. So as of this moment, treatment ends for me on Tuesday.

I don’t know what I’ll do if that’s my last day. The way I’m feeling I might just give up and quit trying to recover. It’s all I can do right now just to stay alive. I don’t say that to be dramatic, but simply because I am having such strong suicidal thoughts.

They always get bad when I try to recover. Being in my eating disorder keeps it at bay. Every time I try to recover, it overcomes my thoughts, my brain, everything.

I’m just so overwhelmed and confused and worried about next week. Also, still having flashbacks.

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10 responses »

  1. Thanks for stopping by my blog and following me. I don’t know much about bulimia. What I can see are the triggers, anxiety, self harm and going back to what is comfortable. In order to Survive you have to deal with the backlash, there is no way to heal without. That doesn’t mean deal with everything behind your Bulimia. Start a list notes to yourself about the top triggers, when do you feel most out of control, what calms your mind. You work on the hardest first, that gets on the road to recovery. It builds your confidence. I will say it is not easy, you have to learn some tools to help you manage. Another very important part of recovery is understanding it’s a life long process. You have an illness just like I have an illness. I have to deal with being Bipolar everyday. I think you would feel more confident if you say no when you mean no. I will not take a photo. I’ll give you a hug or I’ll be thinking of you but you have to learn how to speak or ask others for what you need. It’s hard! If you can get in the right frame of mind this weekend. Knowing Tuesday may be the last day. Put a list of questions together, like what other resources available. Do it in private, ask for a few minutes on Monday, that leaves Tuesday if you think of anything else. One of the most important steps I took was writing in a journal what I wanted to do, What did I want my life to look like. I am doing that right now because I’ve been confined to the house for 3 years due to a heart issue. I’m 50 years old, I can be anything and do anything. If I fail, I either get up and try again or say that’s not for me. I hope you do not think I’m preaching, you sounded desperate and I’ve been there. Sit on the couch take some deep breaths or relaxing bath, spray some lavender around your pillow if you have any and get a good nights rest. Your body is tired. If you’re inclined maybe spend some time on your knees. Tomorrow is a new day and I’ve got your back. Take my hand.

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  2. Saaaammmmeee!!!! Are you in my head?! Feels like it from these last two posts!! I’m so sorry that happened in group, thank you for being so open in sharing…I always find that so hard but when I read what you shared it just helps a lot. I know exactly what you mean about flashbacks and sometimes it can feel like a small thing to others but when you have been through trauma it can be those very things that bring the sickening swirls back. Every time I get on track a bit with my plan and recovery all the emotions flood back just like you said. And most days it’s just too overwhelming and scary. Hope today is better…sending a lotta love and comfort your way

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      • It really isn’t just you. I’ve routinely told people that I trust that ‘I just don’t want to be’ when recovery seemed like too much for me in the past six months. I think a lot of people don’t understand. At least for me, it’s not even really that I am depressed, it’s just that everything feels so hard and overwhelming. I find that it helps me to get lost in a movie, book, or a hobby that I love. When it gets too bad for that, I reach out to people who can help me. I hope you know that there are many people who care about you and want to help you. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

        Liked by 1 person

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