Last night was terrible.
It wasn’t too bad until the end of the night. One of the girls in treatment left to go back home, last night was her last night. She wanted a group picture.
I tried leaving without being in the picture. Pictures are very triggering for me and I really didn’t want to start the weekend being triggered.
However, as I tried to leave the room, my way was blocked by one of the other patients. Everyone else kept telling me I needed to be in the picture, and the one blocking my way said she wasn’t moving until I agreed to be in the picture.
It felt just like the rapes. I was trapped and no one cared what I wanted. I gave up and agreed to be in the picture. I couldn’t smile, I just sat there, trying not to cry.
I went home and binged and purged and cut and almost ODed, but went to bed instead.
I haven’t talked to anyone from the group today, I don’t want to talk to them, don’t want to see them. Part of me doesn’t even want to go back to treatment on Monday.
And speaking of treatment, I got a call today letting me know that I’ve only been approved for Monday and Tuesday. So as of this moment, treatment ends for me on Tuesday.
I don’t know what I’ll do if that’s my last day. The way I’m feeling I might just give up and quit trying to recover. It’s all I can do right now just to stay alive. I don’t say that to be dramatic, but simply because I am having such strong suicidal thoughts.
They always get bad when I try to recover. Being in my eating disorder keeps it at bay. Every time I try to recover, it overcomes my thoughts, my brain, everything.
I’m just so overwhelmed and confused and worried about next week. Also, still having flashbacks.