The Strange Silence

I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.

It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.

Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.

In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.

I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.

My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.

I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.

Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.

I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.

Wish me luck!

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“Why do you take laxatives?”

I’ve been getting this question a lot lately. There are many risks associated with laxative abuse. Would you like to see the list? I’m going to share it with you anyway.

• Intestinal injury
• Melanosis coli
• Gastric bleeding
• Gastric ulceration
• Gastritis
• Esophagitis
• Bloating
• Abdominal pain, severe cramping
• Vomiting
• Gas
• Chronic constipation
• Chronic diarrhea
• Bowel tumors
• Irregular heartbeat
• Kidney damage
• Electrolyte imbalances
• Aggravation of hemorrhoids
• Colon failure
• Dehydration
• Pancreatitis
• Tremors
• Weakness
• Nausea
• Bowel incontince
• Ulceration of the bowel
• Fatty infiltration of the liver
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Hypoalbuminemia, hypoproteinemia or calcium deficiency caused by malabsorption of nutrients, which can cause weakening and softening of the bones
• Shutting down of the immune system
• Organ damage
• Bowel tumors
• Palpitations
• Heart attack
• Death

Disturbance of electrolyte and mineral balances. Sodium, potassium, magnesium, and phosphorus are electrolytes and minerals that are present in very specific amounts necessary for proper functioning of the nerves and muscles, including those of the colon and heart. Upsetting this delicate balance can cause improper functioning of these vital organs.

Severe dehydration may cause tremors, weakness, blurry vision, fainting, kidney damage, and, in some cases, death. Dehydration often requires medical treatment.

Laxative dependency occurs when the colon stops reacting to usual doses of laxatives so that larger and larger amounts of laxatives may be needed to produce bowel movements.

Internal organ damage may result, including stretched or “lazy” colon, colon infection, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and liver damage. Chronic laxative abuse may contribute to risk of colon cancer.

 

Isn’t that lovely.

So why would anyone take this chance? Why would anyone subject themself to this? What on earth kind of motivation could there possibly be?

The exact reason is probably different for each person, but here are some of my reasons.

• They help me get rid of the food. Regardless of whether they eliminate any calories, they eliminate the food waste that’s inside me. I want it out. They do that.
• They help me feel empty and lighter. This feeling is addicting.
• It makes me feel like I’m “doing something” about the “problem”. Sometimes, I just need to feeling like I’m actively doing something about whatever is bugging me (having eaten, being fat, etc) and taking some pills right then helps me. I feel calmer and empowered.
• To reduce water weight. I understand that this causes dehydration, but I don’t want that water inside me. Don’t ask me why because I’m not really sure myself. I just “need” it not inside me.
• They speed up digestion. Whether this actually causes any fewer calories to be absorbed or not seems to be up for debate, but if I don’t take them, it can take days or even a week or two before what I eat exits. That’s just way too long. I want it to pass through me as quickly as possible.
• They make me feel clean. Knowing there aren’t feces inside my body makes me feel cleaner.

I feel like I had more reasons earlier when I was planning this, but they escape me now.

So, the next question, “Why do you continue to take laxatives even though you’re not eating anything?”

That is an excellent question, and I hadn’t actually considered why until I was asked. Partly for the water weight reason listed above and partly for the “doing something” reason. But also because when you’re addicted to something, it doesn’t really matter if there’s any logic to it. My brain just says, “take laxatives, now” and then I do. Like I said, I hadn’t even questioned it.

Please know that I am not in any way trying to justify my use of laxatives, just to explain some of the reasons why I take them.

Laxative abuse is dangerous and serious, and I wouldn’t want anyone else in the world to abuse them. Now if I could just convince myself it’s ok to stop taking them.

 

Bulimia explained in gifs (and other gifs from Psych)

Last night, I was looking for a gif of a specific scene from one of my favorite shows: Psych.

I didn’t find it, but I did find these.

 

Now ones that make me think of bulimia!

In which I can’t take my bedtime meds…

Because I took way too many laxatives today and am having severe stomach cramps and diarrhea.

Also, what you didn’t realize is that picture above is of me. I have the sexiest stomach cramps ever.

And now for a man with three buttocks. No, wait, I mean the TMI warning. I’m seriously considering just putting up a permanent TMI warning for my blog. By the way, I’m about to talk about poo.

Nausea and cramping aren’t the only things going on a la laxatives. (I don’t technically think that’s the correct way to use “a la” but it sounded nice in my head.) As often happens when I take too many, my pills from this morning were in there. That’s super useful.

Anyway, the pain and nausea are so bad that I’m afraid it’s going to be another night of uncontrollable vomiting. I really hope not. Like, really really hope not.

Please sleep instead, body. Please…

I do not like green eggs and ham

So, I had some success with eating today. I had an iced coffee with my friend this morning (I know, I know, not food, but it was still hard) and then those 9 pieces of candy.

Then, this afternoon, I thought I really should eat something real, so I went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and stared. Then opened the freezer and stared. Then opened each individual cupboard and stared. Then left the kitchen.

I did this about 5 times over a couple hours.

Finally, my mom suggested I order a pizza. I did.

Normally, I could eat a whole pizza myself before purging it. Today, I ate a piece and a half, very slowly, freaked out, ran to the bathroom, purged, downed a bunch of laxatives, took more diet pills, exercised until I collapsed, and then lay crying.

I haven’t tried to eat since then.

Also, my scale seems to be lying to me. I might need to get a new one, I really think mine’s broken.

All week it said I wasn’t losing, then this morning when I weighed, it said I lost 10 pounds overnight. That clearly doesn’t make any sense.

I always weigh in the same spot in my room, making sure my scale is on an even section of the floor, first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, naked. (Yeah, I have a weighing ritual.)

There’s no way I could not lose all week then jump down 10 pounds. I want to believe it, but I can’t.

It also occurred to me a short time ago that if I end up doing PHP or inpatient, I have to stop using the laxatives and diet pills, stop abusing my thyroid meds, won’t be able to weigh or purge in any fashion, it kind of freaked me out.

It doesn’t change my decision to do it, but it does make me very apprehensive.

Also, I’m really nauseous. I’m not sure if it’s from lack of food or the excessive amount of laxatives I took earlier. It could be both, I suppose.

I was going to go to a support group for women 30 and older who have eating disorders (I know I’m not technically 30, but I only have a month to go and don’t want to switch in a month) but I realized I don’t actually have cash to ride the bus in the morning.

I am, however, going out in the afternoon with a friend. I have no idea what we’re doing. She suggested getting lunch, but that’s not happening. Also, while I’m looking forward to spending time with her, I’m also sort of dreading it because my head’s in a bad place right now and she’s anorexic (in recovery, but still very much underweight) and is much thinner than I. But I’m determined not to isolate.

So, hopefully to bed at a reasonable time tonight, up at a reasonable time in the morning, workout, meds, maybe food, shower, maybe study, then social time.

More information on inpatient

I just got a call from the behavioral health guy. He called up my insurance and they want me to do the PHP at the eating disorder center where I was before, and stay in their housing, so I would have 24/7 support.

I’m ok with this. I would much rather do that than inpatient at a hospital. Plus, I already know the staff and am comfortable there.

I called them, and I go in next week for an intake evaluation. I’ll keep you updated as I know anything.

Muffin Top

I hate my stomach. I have a muffin top. I always have a muffin top. It’s not because of pants that are too tight, it’s just how my body holds onto fat. Unless I am drastically underweight, I have one.

I look down and I see it, and I hate my body for storing it there. I hate my genetics for deciding this is how I look. I hate myself for not being able to get rid of it.

Even when I would do 1,000 crunches every day, when I did planks and situps and dozens of ab and core workouts obsessively, it didn’t help.

I find myself at night grabbing at the fat on my stomach and squeezing it and wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

Breaking the fast

So I ate! Ugh…

I ate 9 pieces of candy (Reese’s Pieces) and now I feel so sick. Pure sugar was NOT the best idea to eat after not eating for a few days. I feel like I might be sick. -____-

 

Inpatient?

So, my friend B picked me up this morning and took me to my behavioral health appointment. The appointment went ok, but he told me something I wasn’t expecting to hear.

“You have a severe eating disorder, and I think you need to do inpatient.”

First of all, I don’t think of my eating disorder as being “severe”. Yes, I clearly have a problem, but severe?

Second, inpatient? My treatment team at the ED center had wanted me to do partial hospitalization, but being told I need inpatient was hard for some reason.

Is my eating disorder really that bad? It doesn’t feel like it.

Also, I just don’t want to do inpatient. That would mean losing all my freedom, and having every sliver of normalcy I have at the moment stripped away. It would mean being told not only when and what and how much to eat for every meal, but where to be and what to be doing for every moment of every day.

However, when he asked me right out if I would do inpatient if he set it up, I said I would.

So, he is going to look into finding a placement for me and getting it approved by my insurance. All I have to do is wait for his call telling me when and where to go.

Someone (me) is a little bit (lot) nervous.

Queasy

I was finally able to sleep a little! I took a nap for about 40 minutes. Unfortunately, I woke up incredibly nauseous. Ugh. Also, my hand still hurts.