Losing a friend and an enemy

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Today, I took my scale, my blades, and my knives to my counselor.

Giving over the sharps wasn’t that difficult, I really would like to stop cutting. However, handing her my scale was hard. It was like losing a friend. It felt like betrayal.

I am also scared. I’m afraid that without knowing the number, I will be too afraid to eat. That I shall feel all the time like I am gaining. That I have lost the one thing that grounds me. I’m scared of so many things. I want to run back and demand the return of my scale.

But I won’t. I know I need this. I may hate it and I may panic at the thought of not being able to weigh in the morning, but this is necessary for me, for my recovery.

On another note, I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was nice. I spent way too much time worrying about my drink, being perceived as gluttonous, whether I was drinking too fast, etc. However, I still enjoyed myself.

I also tried very hard to follow my meal plan today. I did pretty well, but not 100%. I wasn’t able to finish dinner at the center because it was too spicy and my mouth and throat were burning, but I really tried. The boost helped soothe it some, so for once I was excited to drink it.

My treatment team is still worried about me. I hate having people worry. It’s why I haven’t told my family or friends how much I’m struggling.

I’m meeting another friend for coffee tomorrow. I realized last night that I need to get out more and I need to connect with others more. It helps me to get outside my own head. So I’m making a concerted effort to do that more.

I’ve been avoiding my nutritionist, but I should probably go see her sometime this week.

Tomorrow I have to go in early to work on my relapse prevention plan. I also need to do counseling homework. Oh, and write my stupid 25 page episode. And study for finals. Gah! I have so much to do. I need to make out a prioritized task list.

Tomorrow. Tonight, I need to sleep.

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4 responses »

  1. Sounds like you’ve taken some huge steps. I’ve taken 3 knives to one of my therapists, but I was at Sam’s Club and they were doing a demonstration with this paring knife and were giving them out free. Sigh…………………….not ready to hand that over. I may be able to hand over the scale, but I just don’t know. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m afraid I would just go out and buy another one. Good luck. I wish you the best on your journey. Take care. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One thing I remind myself to help me avoid the scale is that there is no number it can show me that I’ll be content with. No matter what I weigh, it’ll never be good enough, even if it’s less than the last time. It’s easier (I think) to cope with not knowing the number than it is to cope with seeing it and then not being allowed to take measures to lose weight. Some days I have to remind myself of that over and over … but it will get easier, I promise.

    You are strong enough to conquer this.

    Like

  3. Yay! I am so happy for you that you made such a BIG step in throwing those things out! You should be so proud of yourself πŸ™‚

    Like

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