Today, I took my scale, my blades, and my knives to my counselor.
Giving over the sharps wasn’t that difficult, I really would like to stop cutting. However, handing her my scale was hard. It was like losing a friend. It felt like betrayal.
I am also scared. I’m afraid that without knowing the number, I will be too afraid to eat. That I shall feel all the time like I am gaining. That I have lost the one thing that grounds me. I’m scared of so many things. I want to run back and demand the return of my scale.
But I won’t. I know I need this. I may hate it and I may panic at the thought of not being able to weigh in the morning, but this is necessary for me, for my recovery.
On another note, I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was nice. I spent way too much time worrying about my drink, being perceived as gluttonous, whether I was drinking too fast, etc. However, I still enjoyed myself.
I also tried very hard to follow my meal plan today. I did pretty well, but not 100%. I wasn’t able to finish dinner at the center because it was too spicy and my mouth and throat were burning, but I really tried. The boost helped soothe it some, so for once I was excited to drink it.
My treatment team is still worried about me. I hate having people worry. It’s why I haven’t told my family or friends how much I’m struggling.
I’m meeting another friend for coffee tomorrow. I realized last night that I need to get out more and I need to connect with others more. It helps me to get outside my own head. So I’m making a concerted effort to do that more.
I’ve been avoiding my nutritionist, but I should probably go see her sometime this week.
Tomorrow I have to go in early to work on my relapse prevention plan. I also need to do counseling homework. Oh, and write my stupid 25 page episode. And study for finals. Gah! I have so much to do. I need to make out a prioritized task list.
Tomorrow. Tonight, I need to sleep.