Suffocating

Today has been terrible.

I binged and purged so many times, and tonight I cut. A lot. I want to take all my pills and just not wake up. The only thing keeping me from this is remembering the pain and heartache after my sister died and not wanting to inflict that on my family.

I by no means believe they would feel as much grief, but the thought of causing them any, especially after losing my sister just 2 years ago, I just can’t do it. Yet.

I really am scared that if things continue as they are, I will get to a place where I don’t care anymore. Where my need for escape is stronger than my need to protect my family.

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*mumbles under breath*

I really do.

My family got together this afternoon for a picnic in the park. We had lots of food, and played games. I enjoyed the games, I enjoyed spending time with my family. I did not enjoy the food.

I had planned out beforehand what I would eat. Then I ignored it completely and ended up binging and purging. Then doing it again.

I had also binged and purged this morning, and I’m going to do it again as soon as my food finishes cooking.

The holiday combined with memories that have been coming up that I have worked so hardto suppress makes for a very anxious me.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

Tomorrow I have counseling. I know I’m going to hear about how much I’ve binged and purged. We’re also going out to eat at a restaurant tomorrow night. Ugh.