So there I am, head in the toilet, when my phone rings. It was the treatment center. I pause and answer. I’ve been approved for one more week of treatment.
I’m still in the evening program, they won’t approve partial hospitalization. I’m beginning to believe it just won’t happen. So that’s whatever.
My family is having an Easter picnic on Sunday. I need to figure out what to eat so that it fits in my meal plan.
I also need to start following my meal plan.
I have so much homework this weekend, both for school and for treatment. One of the things I need to do is write out reasons I want to recover. I’m struggling with this. What if I can’t figure out why I want to recover? The only thing I’ve come up with so far is “I don’t want to be like this forever”.
I decorated a box to keep my reasons in, as well as notes of encouragement from family and friends. I’m hoping it will help me stay focused on why I’m doing this. (If I can just figure that part out.) Above is the cover of the box.
I put “gonna be worth it” as a reminder to myself. I’ve been listening to a song called Worth it All to help myself remember that even though it’s hard right now, it’s (hopefully) going to be worth it all.
a2eternity 
I wrote a list of reasons to recover back in the fall also. It started out as reasons that were all outside of myself, but after a week or so, I started coming up with reasons that were connected to me. Just keep trying, I believe in time you will be able to remember the you that exists without the eating disorder. That person is worth fighting for, even if she’s hard to find right now. What did that person like to do? Who did she want to be when she grew up? I think answering those questions is an important step in recovery. My thoughts and prayers go out to you as you continue to work on recovery.
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Thank you so much.
I’m trying to figure out who I am and what my identity is without my eating disorder. I haven’t gotten very far yet, but I’m hoping.
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OMG this is soooooooo how it is!!! It’s like you were in my head, then writing…from your head…to this page…and reading it makes me feel less alone. That space of waiting for approval for more treatment, using behaviors, staring at meal plans, listening to family (or partially listening to family because they induce behaviors)…man, I get it. Thanks for your honesty and for fighting alongside me and so many others.
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I’m glad (and also sad, because of what it means) that this helped you to feel less alone. You’re not alone in this. We can get through this. ❤
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heart heart
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