What a couple of days I’ve had

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I was too distraught last night to post. Yesterday was long and hard. I followed my meal plan yesterday before going in. I got soooo sick on the bus ride.

Yesterday morning, I sent my counselor an email of some of my journal entries that I had planned to show her on Monday, except we got busy talking about other things.

She pulled me aside last night to talk about them because she was concerned, then made me agree to a safety contract.

She’s more determined than ever that I should be in the partial hospitalization program. She also wants me to stay in their dorm for extra support.

Today, I was having a really hard time following my meal plan. I just was hating food and hating my meal plan and hating life. I managed to eat what I had agreed with my nutritionist to eat, and keep it down, but I hated myself all the more for it.

I had very little motivation to go to treatment today, but my dad offered me a ride (meaning no nauseating bus ride) and I allowed him to take me.

When I arrived, I had a random weight check (weights are normally on Monday) and I pretty much freaked out internally.

At dinner, all I could think about was my weight and the weigh in and I couldn’t eat dinner. I had to boost. I drank it during art therapy.

Groups were ok tonight. I got to process some stuff in art therapy, then we had friends and family groups where support people come in and learn stuff.

I’m afraid of being kicked out of the program for non-compliance. My third week is almost over and I’m still not finishing dinner most nights and restricting during the day and binging and purging at night. I feel like I haven’t made any progress. But I also feel like treatment is my one lifeline at the moment and that if I can’t continue, if I get kicked out (whether for my behavior or insurance) before I make so much more progress, I will have no choice but to go back to my eating disorder fully because I feel so out of control and overwhelmed all the time that I feel like if I don’t have treatment and don’t have my eating disorder, I won’t make it.

Tomorrow is the last day I’ve been approved for so far. Hopefully I don’t have to wait the entire weekend to find out the results this time. Hopefully I hear tomorrow or Friday. Hopefully they approve php, because I feel like something needs to give, and that might be the thing to help it happen.

I feel so much turmoil. So much conflict. I feel tired. Exhausted. At the end of my rope.

4 responses »

  1. The biggest thing I see here is that you’re hoping for PHP and more help in recovery instead of choosing your eating disorder, throwing up your hands, and saying “Screw it all.”
    And great job keeping things down today. Even if you have to boost, the boost is still food that you chose to keep in.

    Last comment, and then I’ll shut up. Your eating disorder didn’t take you to where you are right now in 3 weeks. You won’t get better in three weeks either. You’re not failing – you’re doing one thing now that you couldn’t do 3 weeks ago. Progress.

    Like

  2. Completely understandable. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t believe me, either. I never believed anyone who told me that I was making progress, because I never was perfect at it. I’ll never be perfect at it. In fact, my therapist kicked me in the butt last week and likely will tomorrow, too.

    Sending good vibes and warm hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good luck on your journey. You know – all the time you’re trying , all the time you never give up shows that you want a better life for yourself. Keep going and remember recovery is important to you… I can tell it’s extremely hard – but important to you none the less. Take care of yourself! X

    Liked by 1 person

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