The need to destroy myself

I wrote this in my journal last night in bed.

I keep finding myself wondering if I can recover.

When I am living with my disorder, I am “stable”. When I try to recover, I lose all semblance of stability. I start feeling the all-encompassing self-hatred. I start having thoughts about jumping off buildings. I start trying to stab myself.

I can’t handle the level of all out hatred and loathing I have for myself. I don’t know what to do with it, other than to destroy myself.

The other day I wanted to slash my face and throat. I can’t stand to see myself in the mirror. The sight of myself makes me nauseous. I wish I could destroy the mirror.

I want to cut the fat off my body. Some days I don’t even care if I wouldn’t have any skin left after. I can’t possibly be more hideous than I am now. I can’t possibly hate myself more.

If I had a sharper knife, I could probably succeed at stabbing myself.

Luckily, just after that, I started talking to a friend and that helped me a lot. Sometimes what I need is just the opportunity to get outside of my own mind and connect with another person.