I am a coward

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I binged.
And binged.
And binged until I was in physical pain.
Then I binged some more.

My body was in excruciating pain, yet I ate, bite after bite. I forced food down my throat. Why?

I don’t know. I just felt the need. The compulsion.

And then I purged. What an amazing release.

Now I sit here, just hating myself.

I am disgusting. I am filth. I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve anything. I am lower than low.

I considered sewing my mouth shut. Not just a fleeting thought, I actually got out my needle and thread. I want to, but I lack the courage. I hate myself for binging and I hate myself for being too much of a coward to sew my mouth closed.

Instead, I got out my black sharpie and wrote “STOP” on my hand in big letters. I strongly hope this will be enough of a reminder.

I doubt it.

My mind is a repeat track of self-loathing and disgust.

Over and over, it plays, non-stop. There is no escaping it. Even while I’m distracted it plays in the background of my mind, sometimes becoming just loud enough to draw my attention back to it.

It haunts me. It taunts me. It ridicules me. It follows me. It beats me down.

I wish I could sew my mouth shut, but I lack the courage.

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16 responses »

  1. I understand completely. I just binged this morning too. And I feel horrible now, and look like I’m pregnant a few inches too high. I can’t purge – my parents are here – but in a way, that’s a good thing?
    It sucks. It feels like a trap. But without it, it’s terrifying. Hang in there. You’re among people who understand and are here to encourage. ❤

    Like

    • I’m actually about to write a post about trying to keep food down. It’s ridiculous how hard such a simple thing is, isn’t it?
      I understand the trapped feeling of not being able to purge due to circumstances, it’s no fun. But at the same time, I’m glad for you because now you have “an excuse” to keep some food in. Try to be kind to yourself. ❤

      Like

  2. Recovery is possible. I promise you that. It takes time, it’s exhausting and sometimes you will believe that it’s easier to give in to your ED. but instead of seeing yourself as a complete failure, try to see it as a learning process- what went wrong, how could you do things differently to prevent it happening again. Every day is a chance to try sometime different, something new, and take another step forward. Stay strong

    Like

  3. I saw you put a “Like” on my post. If you have the time I’d love for you to read the journey I’ve been on since I stopped using ALL my addictive substances and obsessive behaviors. One of the behaviors used to be and obsession for suicide. I’m making huge growth and headway in this journey

    http://climbthewell.wordpress.com/2014/04/07/on-being-a-social-outcast/

    at the bottom of each post in this series is a link to the next post

    Like

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