Treatment is having the opposite of the desired effect


Yesterday was not a good day.

The night before, I had a terrible migraine and should have gone to the ER, but I simply didn’t want to.

I woke up yesterday morning with the migraine even worse. I went straight to the ER.

I spent the rest of the morning and a good portion of the day in the ER. I was severely dehydrated, they told me, and had to have a few rounds of fluids AND drink water before they would let me leave. I also wasn’t responding well to the pain meds like I normally do, they think as a result of the dehydration.

After I was discharged, I went straight to treatment.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist. She told me she thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

She helped me set more attainable food goals for this next week.

I cried again, feeling overwhelmed.

Then I went to dinner with the plan of eating it all. I couldn’t. I got through 80% and had to boost.

Between groups I talked with my counselor. I told her how overwhelmed I feel all the time and how I feel like I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. She told me she agrees with the nutritionist and thinks I need a higher level of care.

I cried.

I honestly don’t know how I would cope with being there all day, every day. I can’t get through dinner, let alone eating all my meals and snacks there.

I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, under all that pressure, with no oxygen. I feel like I’m about to implode from the pressure and pass out because I can’t catch my breath.

All the time.

The only time I feel a sense of relief is when I come home at night after treatment and binge and purge. And that’s sort of counterproductive. I feel like treatment is just reinforcing my behaviors because it’s proving how useful they are for me.


3 responses »

  1. Are they talking partial? I’ve been there, and it’s true – extra stress in fighting the disorder makes it feel ever more necessary (because it’s how we deal with stuff we don’t like). There are definitely pros and cons to it, but, if nothing else, you learn a lot. Unfortunately, you learn both how to beat it, and how to do it better, depending on the day/hour/minute. I’m here if you have any questions!


    • Yes, they want to bump me up to the partial hospitalization program.
      I’ve done residential before, so I know what to expect, but I was in a completely different state of mind and life then. At the moment, doing PHP would mean eating and keeping down more in 2 days than I currently eat in a whole week. That thought alone terrifies me.


      • Mhm. It terrified me so much that I failed my final the day before admission, got my first A- in a class, and killed my perfect 7-year 4.0 GPA. I used to exist on a granola bar (140), an apple (80), and 10 almonds (70) at most, run at least 5 miles a day, and wake up at 5 in the morning to purge via laxative abuse. PHP meant change.

        But, I can now say I’ve only used laxatives once in the past 96 days, so it does get better (at least, part of it)!

        Do exactly what terrifies you. That should be my next blog post.

        Liked by 1 person

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