I hate you, but I need you



This pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

After quitting treatment last night, I came home, binged and purged, then tried to stab myself repeatedly. My knife is apparently not sharp enough for stabbing. Unable to stab myself, I got frustrated and just started cutting.

It was not a good night.

My counselor called me and asked me to return to treatment today. I agreed reluctantly.

So I went back today and I cried through dinner. I barely finished it in time. Then I had art therapy where I drew a picture that I wish I had taken a photo of so I could show you, but I couldn’t explain it to the group. I could have explained it to one person, but I couldn’t share with the group. I felt too vulnerable, too exposed.

Second group was fine, I just had a migraine during it so it was long and painful.

I don’t know why, but when I arrive, I’m determined and ready to tackle my eating disorder. However, when it actually comes time to do what needs to be done, my wall goes up, I shut down, and I can’t process.

Then, when I get home at night, I’m so overwhelmed and drained that the only solution seems to be to binge and purge, which is completely counterproductive.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I need the weekend to recover from recovery.

I sent an email to my counselor letting her know that I need to meet with my team tomorrow because I really need to talk to them about this. I’m not sure how much longer I can go like this.

2 responses »

  1. What an amazing coincidence! I was just about to write a post about how difficult it is to shake anorexia off, when you ‘liked’ my post ‘The Black Dog’. When i looked at your blog, i found ‘you’, also fighting the war. I am not officially underweight now but have been in the past and have been thru’ treatment so many times. Slowly, i’m recovering but it never really goes away if i’m honest, not in my opinion, at least. I wish you hugs and healing xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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