Daily Archives: April 10, 2014

I hate you, but I need you



This pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

After quitting treatment last night, I came home, binged and purged, then tried to stab myself repeatedly. My knife is apparently not sharp enough for stabbing. Unable to stab myself, I got frustrated and just started cutting.

It was not a good night.

My counselor called me and asked me to return to treatment today. I agreed reluctantly.

So I went back today and I cried through dinner. I barely finished it in time. Then I had art therapy where I drew a picture that I wish I had taken a photo of so I could show you, but I couldn’t explain it to the group. I could have explained it to one person, but I couldn’t share with the group. I felt too vulnerable, too exposed.

Second group was fine, I just had a migraine during it so it was long and painful.

I don’t know why, but when I arrive, I’m determined and ready to tackle my eating disorder. However, when it actually comes time to do what needs to be done, my wall goes up, I shut down, and I can’t process.

Then, when I get home at night, I’m so overwhelmed and drained that the only solution seems to be to binge and purge, which is completely counterproductive.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I need the weekend to recover from recovery.

I sent an email to my counselor letting her know that I need to meet with my team tomorrow because I really need to talk to them about this. I’m not sure how much longer I can go like this.