Art therapy, you deceived me

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Remember how I thought I was going to enjoy Wednesday nights because we get to do art therapy?

Tonight was…not good.

I manged to finish my whole dinner. This left me feeling this horrible, confusing mixture of pride and GIANT, excessive guilt. Also disgust. And naturally, I spent the next few hours incredibly nauseous.

After dinner, we had art therapy. Great, right!?

No.

I have no idea why, but I started crying about 10 minutes in for no apparent reason. Then, at the end, I got to talk about why I was crying.

I had a really hard time the rest of the night. I sat in the back of the room during the second group and basically just cried softly to myself the whole time.

I didn’t eat snack.

You’re supposed to boost if you don’t have snack, but I kind of snuck out while the staff was busy. I’m sure I’ll hear about it tomorrow.

On the way home I got really carsick. Like, ridiculously carsick. I almost threw up on the way home. I took some nausea meds but I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to keep them down long enough for it to work. Luckily, I was able to and I’m starting to feel a lot better.

In other news, I went to the doctor this morning, got blood work and an x-ray. I got hardly any sleep last night and I had a terrible headache that turned into a migraine, so it’s been a long day. Between the doctor and treatment, I went to the laundromat to wash clothes, so this is really the first time I’ve had to just relax today.

I had a staff member tell me today that I need to eat before I come in tomorrow. I explained that I’m having a really hard time doing that because I know that I’m going to have to eat dinner and a snack and not purge either of them. She suggested trying to eat something, anything.

I said I would try to eat a hard boiled egg. I was half-lying. I don’t know yet whether I will actually try.

A couple of bright notes, now!

Tomorrow, my sister is coming into town so I get to see her and my baby niece and nephew!

Also tomorrow is the last day of treatment for this week! I cannot wait for a break! I’m am exhausted. This has been such a long week.

 

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5 responses »

  1. So fun fact… Or not so fun, if we are being honest. I too have experienced art therapy totally breaking down the dam that held my tears back. I was talking to my counselor about it and she was saying that the creative part of your brain is actually located in the part of the brain that controls emotions, which would be why the emotions hit while you are accessing your creativity. Hang in there! Keep on pushing through!

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      • Emotions are hard. They are the furthest thing from easy. However, as my counselor likes to tell me every week as I try my hardest to keep them from spilling over, they are not meant to stay inside of us. I know for me, it is rare that I can choose to access my emotions. They either happen or they don’t. I generally shut them down without consciously making the effort to do so. Art has a way of accessing those emotions, and that is a good thing.

        Recently I read something by John O’donohue from his book “To bless the space between us. A book of blessings”, that says “A new confidence will come alive, to urge you toward higher ground; while your imagination will learn to engage difficulty as it’s most rewarding threshold.” Im not sure if that is at all helpful to you, but I found it helpful and encouraging to keep going when my days are dark, and don’t make sense.

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  2. I am anorexic and when I first started forcing food in I involuntarily would throw up–my stomach was not used to it it was too small. My therapist advised me to do things like wear a heaty pack on my stomach after I ate to loosen it up a bit. That actually was helpful! I bought those pms heat pads that are good for 8 hours and would wear it to work when I forced myself to eat. Another thing that helped me was ginger ale. The ginger and slight carbonation really helped with the nausea–note I don’t drink soda so that could be why the carbonation helped. I also had to eat beforehand and I would eat oatmeal–it is considered a meal and was warm so it helped soothe my stomach pains.

    Hang in there!! I admire your strength! Be proud of how far you have come!

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    • Thank you so much, both for the support and the suggestions!
      I can’t stand ginger or ginger ale, but I’ll definitely try the heat.
      Something I noticed last night is that I’m used to consuming a lot of water when I eat, to help me purge. Well now, since I can’t purge dinner, the water is kind of anti-productive because it just makes me really full and uncomfortable. But I find myself drinking water compulsively.

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