Fail Better *Triggering picture warning*

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I came to a realization tonight as I inhaled a large pizza, cheesy bread sticks, and a whole 2 liter of soda.

I should stop trying to restrict. I’m too bulimic for anorexia.

I just purged and I feel better than I’ve felt all day, both physically and emotionally.

As much as food might scare the hell out of me, and as much as I hate to eat around others, no one can deny that food has a strong hold over me. I love it and I hate it.

And let’s not even get started on purging. I love to purge. I can’t tell you why because I don’t know. I don’t even need to eat, sometimes I just drink water so I can bring it back up.

Unfortunately, bulimia isn’t a very effective means of weight loss for me. Nor for most people I know with bulimia.

Below is a picture some will find disturbing and others will find triggering. Be warned.

This is what I crave. Why? I’m not sure.

I can’t seem to attain this with bulimia. But I can’t seem to eschew bulimia long enough to attain it.

Perhaps I should resign myself to being bulimic. Perhaps I should accept that I am not going to look like the person in the picture above. And perhaps that’s a good thing. But it feels like a failure on my part.

So I sit here, feeling my post-purge elation, feeling really for the first time today, and I realize that binging and purging is the only thing that brings me out of my crippling apathy at the moment.

I spent the entire day lying in bed and lounging on the sofa trying not to eat, too listless and apathetic to do anything, too flat to try to find enjoyment from anything.

Until I finally caved. And then I felt again. And then I came alive again. Although I hate myself for eating, hate is better than apathy. Apathy gets me in trouble. When I’m apathetic I start making horrible, terrible, self-destructive decisions.

Plus, along with self-hatred, I feel probably as close to happiness as I’ve felt in a while.

So there you have it. I’m just far too bulimic to go back to anorexia.

mistakes

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19 responses »

  1. I can so relate to this post. The picture was not triggering as I do not crave to look like that, but I am just flipping miserable today…maybe I can just sleep to make it all go away??? Is hate really better than apathy? I don’t gave that answer and seems you deep to contemplate at the moment.

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    • Yesterday I just wanted to sleep all day any ignore everything.
      I say that hate is better than apathy because apathy is dangerous for me. When I become apathetic, I end up doing things like quitting jobs, quitting school, attempting suicide, breaking up with people, etc because I just stop caring. At least if I’m hating myself, I still care, I still feel, and I’m not in that place of “screw it all”.

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  2. Abstenuiys, I used the like box to indicate that I had visited your blog, after I saw you had stopped by mine and liked one my current post. But when I stopped I took the time to read this post, and found I don’t have the vocabulary necessary to say what is on my mind, but I am glad your seeking and getting counselling. I have never walk a block in your shoes, but if hating something helps you and keeps you from commiting suicide feel free to hate me. Please take care, Bill

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  3. Be persistent in your fight against self-destructive thoughts, even when it feels rhetorical and ineffective. You might not want them to go away or feel out of control of them, but over time they can fade enough that you have control again.

    If you ever need anything, feel free to message me. Keep finding light things in life. Hold on to people who care about you. Keep fighting because you are brave and you are strong. Not many people have to experience even an ounce of the fear, shame, and hatred that comes with ED. You are a monumental person.

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  4. As part of my PTSD treatment I am learning about chemicals in the brain and how they affect behaviours. It could be that purging is addictive, I am sure the body releases some sort of feel good chemical after to help with recovery. Maybe it is not unusual to find that you enjoy it.
    I am glad you are getting help and fighting on.

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  5. I am glad you stoped at my blog site. I hope that some of the things I write there will help you get new beliefs that will empower you. Thank you for shearing and looking forward to see your progress.

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  6. Thank you for your visit, and for liking “Molly On Her Own.” I would invite you to come back, but mine is not really a blog about eating disorders. Would you have any interest in reading about anything else? I am also very sorry you are having such heart-breaking difficulties and hope therapy may help you find a way out of your self-destructive despair.

    [This next paragraph you will not like, and may simply delete. But I am going to write it anyway, because I mean it to be possibly helpful, and perhaps you will read it before you delete it.]

    I might also suggest you begin by using plain English, both in your therapy and your blog, instead of the jargon of the trade. “Restriction?” You mean starvation. “Purging?” You mean vomiting. In other words: vomiting up your guts is the only thing that makes you feel alive. Maybe you should start with that and see where it gets you. You might also consider that the bikini-clad body in the photograph that you say you crave is just like one of the mortally starved bodies from Buchenwald, Hitler’s most notorious death camp.

    Oh, Abstemious2eternity! Do you really want so much to die?

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    • I read about many other topics.

      Your paragraph didn’t bother me.
      I use those terms because those are the terms used in the psychology world, which I have been a part of so many years.

      When I first started blogging 7 years ago (on a different blog), I didn’t use many of these terms. This wasn’t because I felt any differently about them, I just wasn’t used to their usage. In fact, when I first began blogging, I couldn’t bring myself to even type out the words “eating disorder”. While I had had one for some time, I wasn’t used to talking about it, and therefore was uncomfortable with the language surrounding it.

      Now, I am comfortable with it. I use terms like “purge” and “restrict” not because I am “using the jargon of my trade” but because those are the technical terms used by medical and psychological professionals. After seeing them for years, it becomes ingrained. So, yes, it may be “vomiting” and “starving” but it is also “restricting” and “purging”.

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      • Good for you for replying! I’m well aware that these are the terms used by doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists in order to facilitate objective clinical case summaries and discussions between professionals. Your experience, however, has been and remains an entirely subjective one. (You are not a case summary!) I was therefore suggesting that using these terms may rub the raw edges off your experience, and make talking about it too comfortable.

        However, I think I should stop. You are evidently satisfied with speaking about your difficulties as you do, and I again hope you soon find your body an easier and more pleasant place to inhabit.

        If you come back for another visit, perhaps we can find something else to talk about…..

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  7. An example of this is in treatment we say, “my behaviors” etc. That way too it doesn’t trigger anyone. Or, “my eating disorder.” This can be helpful for me because it separates in my mind that I am not my eating disorder and my eating disorder is not me. Although, it is a part of me or a part of my experience. It does not define me. Thank you for stopping by my blog. Thank you also for being so honest in your post. I think you very honestly display why “behaviors” are keep us coming back to them, because they do provide us with a “feel good” emotion or we wouldn’t do them. However, overall, the emotional roller coaster ride was simply becoming too much for me, and the negative emotions to follow the “high” so to speak were also very difficult. I guess I have rambled on. Remember to be compassionate towards yourself and patient with yourself. It is hard to do, but start small, it does get easier. You are brave to put your thoughts out here in the “blogosphere” for us to read, so bravo for that.

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